CHAPTER 13
WHEELS

Why does Portugal have such a high road mortality rate?

Why do the UK and Sweden not have anything like the same problems?

DRIVERS LATINO/ MACHO
The men are Latino and macho. They have got ‘Tomates,’ yes they have balls and they are going to show you who is boss on the roads.

If you are a woman driver you must also be expect to be intimidated. (Even by other women drivers who want to have balls.)

If you drive a small car expect to be intimidated by bigger cars. If you drive a big car expect to be intimidated by ‘Jeeps’ and if you drive a ‘Jeep’ just watch out for trucks.

It’s all down to bluff.

I was once driving at a respectable 120kph down an auto-estrada. Out of nowhere a black Mercedes sat on my rear bumper and furiously flashed its lights. I was overtaking another vehicle at the time, but the Merc continued to flash. I had nowhere to go. When I could get past the other vehicle the Merc driver pulled alongside and swerved towards me, threatening to force me off the road. He then sped off.

Duh!!!

And they have a quick temper. If they do something stupid, don't give them the finger, you could just end up being given a bloody nose when you stop at the next intersection.

ROADS/ SIGNS
The country is full of road signs. (Someone has made a tidy profit out of that little contract.) The trouble is that they are all a little inconsistent. Sometimes you will get good signage. On other routes it will start out good and then suddenly peter out - leaving you to ask locals what and where.

Often the signage is posted exactly at an interception, or turn-off. This is OK if you are not travelling fast, when there's plenty of time to look, think and decide.

But if you are doing anything over 50kph on a three-lane highway when you have half the population of Lisbon driving up your tailpipe and you suddenly happen upon the sign to the road, exactly at it's turnoff, you have had it. You either drive on, get lost, or try and find a turning place.

Or, of course you could suddenly swerve and hope you are making the right decision. Just hope that someone driving three lanes to your left doesn't make the same decision, at the same time and try to cut across three lanes, making the turn right in your face.

It happens.

The country is also full of bad roads.

Beware in winter when torrential rain is a thing of daily occurrence. You may spot a small puddle in the road, or at the side of the road, which on impact turns out to be axle deep.

I was once driving through Cascais along a newly tarred road. Lovely and smooth it was. Suddenly, as I turned the curve I saw a Christmas tree sticking out of the middle of the road. I made an emergency stop and got out. There was no manhole cover and someone had put a tree in the hole to warn drivers.

Well at least there WAS a warning.

I wondered what had happened - had someone stolen the brand new plate? Had the road workers not put it there after they'd finished laying the tar?

Estranho.

Maybe the Portuguese should pass a law that amongst your vehicle’s emergency equipment of triangle, yellow coat and tool-kit you must also carry a collapsible Xmas tree.

Because of the winter's rain, roads will deteriorate considerably throughout winter. They won't be fixed by spring. They may be fixed just before summer, when the foreign tourist arrive and whose continued custom the country would prefer to keep.

Pot-holed roads can cause bad driving as you wind down the road trying to avoid the holes. The holes also cause lots of vehicle damage to any part of the suspension and exhaust system. (Or anything else below floor level.)

Of course if you are driving in Portugal for the first time you have problems in compound. You haven't driven on the wrong side before and so you aren't used to roundabouts where the traffic is coming from another direction. And you are not used to using mirrors on the other side of the vehicle.

(I was recently back in Portugal driving a hired van to collect some household effects. I am used to driving on the ‘wrong’ side, but the hire van's wing mirrors were non-adjustable. This meant that I would see a vehicle approach to overtake and then for a brief instant I saw no vehicle at all. On return to the U.K. the hire company told me it wasn’t their responsibility to provide adjustable wing-mirrors and that I should contact the van’s manufacturer. Duh!)

Imagine how dangerous and disconcerting that was.

As a foreigner you are also not used to seeing signs in a foreign language, unfamiliar place-names and distances in kilometres.

So, please be very careful and don't add to the mayhem.

Drive at your best, show the most consideration, set an example.

Always assume that the other driver is going to do something stupid. (Because they will.)

CARS
Portugal is a poor, third-world, banana republic isn't it?

Not if the number of brand new BMWs, Mercs and Shags are anything to go by.

Thanks to the generosity of the banks, credit has been easy to obtain for some years. You can now get credit for anything.

Portuguese are now up to their necks in debt with apartments, furniture, clothing and cars.

Some Portuguese have two, or three jobs. No wonder they are such nervous drivers.

Get to a party and the men will want to discover what footie team you support, where you live, if you have married a retired Morangos e Açúcar star and what car you drive.

Street racing is becoming more popular amongst the yoof. Like many other countries there has been an explosion of popularity of ’Tuning’ and X-box games. Expect to see wings, fins, chrome wheels, fluffy dashboards, massive ICE and chassis mounted, blue lighting on a regular basis.
Seen especially at night, near clubs, discos and pubs and driven by teenage yobs I have dubbed them 'Chungamobiles.'